Tim Tebow Walks into a Bar…


Courtesy ESPN stock.

So by now you’ve all heard. Peyton Manning is taking his talents to the Mile-high city. I know baseballs carry farther there…do footballs? Well anything not to be in the same division as his little bro.

Peyton is a Bronco and John Elway finally has someone to play catch with. ESPN has no more of that “PeytonWatch” bullsh*t (they seriously were following his van in a helicopter, OJ style), and all is right in goldfish nation. Let Manning-Mania begin!

But I don’t want to talk about the new Best in the AFC West. It’s a crappy division for starters and I’m not sold on how solid the Broncos are now even with Peyton’s supposedly surgically repaired vertabrae, bra. I would like to remind you of the “Dream Team” Philadelphia Eagles this past season.

Peyton is clearly a big upgrade at the QB spot, that’d non-debatable — but look around him. It’s Thomas and Eric “I’m just Happy to Be Here” Decker. Who’s Peyton gonna throw to against a good cover team, while the pocket collapses? That O-line broke down consistently last year, and luckily for the Broncos, during those plays, Tim Tebow affinity for breaking the pocket turned them (mostly) into positive ground yards. Thus the W’s and Tebow-mania:

But then I guess people just forgot. Maybe Linsanity took over and a new underdog story took his place. I’m not really sure, Denver, because at the end of last year, your Coach promised Tebow the starting QB spot only to have it ripped from his massive hands.

Man this is awkward...

Football Jesus, quite fittingly, was forsaken. By the front office, coaching staff, John Elway and yes, the fans (come at me bro). Let’s be real Denver, how many of you would like to see him get snaps over Peyton? In clutch moments or goal line situations? Yeah. Thought so. You guys might have well thrown him under the Team Bus at Pontius Palace.

I feel for the guy, even though I know he’s just not a good quarterback in the NFL. I’m sure he’ll carve out a niche as a role player, maybe a converted RB, TE or even as a 5-10 snaps a game Wild-Cat option, but I think the verdict is pretty much out. Although to be fair, I guess you could say the same about Mark Sanchize…and they just signed him for 5 years!

So Tebow, here’s a toast to you buddy. I know you don’t drink but now’s as good a time as any to start. I honestly didn’t think this post would be so sympathetic when I started writing it but you did get Denver fans energized again, and you did get wins (mostly). You made football fun to watch and I’ll always root for the underdog (unless it’s against my Pats). Most importantly, whenever I saw you throw the the football I thought to myself “I could do that”.

I will close by saying this. For the polarizing figure that he is, and love or hate his personal views,  Tim Tebow was arguably the greatest College QBs of all time. That should count for something and probably will if you get traded to Jacksonville. Glory Days:

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The Legend of Drew Brees


Drew Brees eats thunder and sh*ts lightning. His mere existence is a reminder of how much the rest of us fail. If he and Chuck Norris were to brawl, life would mimic that of high school: a ginger getting beat up by a football jock. Simply put, Drew Breesus is wicked good at QB, kid.

He should be this year’s MVP. Is anyone better? As a Boston-area commercial would say: “I doubt it”. Listen, Brady’s my boy, and Rodgers along with rookie sensation Cam Newton are the future of the passing game. But 5,087 yards. In 15 games. Over 5,400 in a full season, plus setting TE and Offensive yards/pts records. To paraphrase Mr. Chad Ochocinco “That’s some Madden sh*t”.

Sorry Dan. You at least deserved a Superbowl ring or two. When you pull yourself out of that bottle, remember: you were in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective…so that counts for something, right? I’ve still got your Jersey! Laces out, Dan.

To be honest, it was never a fair fight. Football nowadays is all about the passing game (and two other QBs still have a shot at breaking the Dan Marino former record this year). Guys just slang it more, and the league has made it much easier on offenses, including WRs and QBs. Throwing for 300+ yards a game is merely expected of most top tier Quarterbacks.

But Drew Brees is in a different class. He throws as well in the pocket as Tom Brady. He throws out of the pocket, on the run or against the sack better than Cam Newton and Aaron Rodgers. His eyes are always downfield, even when he’s shaking guys that are 100 lbs. heavier than him off his shoulders or chomping at his ankles. Put all that together and he’ll chew you up like he did the Giants Defense (the single best performance of a QB EVER):

What a BOSS. If you’re a defender, this is the guy that keeps you up at nights and appears in your nightmares like Freddy. As you helplessly watch, he’ll carve you up…mainly because Breezy completes more than 70% of his passes (record). That number is even higher on 3rd down conversions. So let me add this: aside from being the best passer in and out of the pocket, he is also the most CLUTCH quarterback out there (if I hear one more Denver fan say otherwise, I’m literally going to slap them and tell them God doesn’t exist).

But then there is the most important intangible of any QB: resolve. Announcers call it “mental toughness” but what the hell does that even mean? How many concussions you can take? *John Madden current holds the record*

For me, resolve is about deciding to go out there and make a play when it matters most. You want the ball. You’re calling the bootleg. You know what you are going to do and you execute it. Like the Honey Badger, you take what you want.

So I ask you. Final drive to win the game. Who do you want at the helm? Brady? Rodgers? or Brees? My Patriots loyalty precludes me from answering my own question, but I think we all know the answer.

So if you didn’t see the record setting performance, here are the highlights. As you’ll see, the last pass of the game, and the one that broke the Marino mark, was of course, a needle-threading touchdown pass to the smallest guy on the team, Darren Sproles. Did I mention that Sproles was also cut by the Chargers? That last one must have felt REAL good for the two former San Diegans (whale’s vajayjay?):

And in the locker room following his record setting performance, while Sean Payton gave his speech, what was Drew Brees doing? Why he was down on one knee, head tucked to his arms (I believe that’s called Tebowing, no?) and saying prayers and giving thanks. He stood up to a raucus cheer and did something truly impressive: he thanked his team. He thanked everyone from the coaches and wide receivers, to the defense and the “ball warmers”:

The guy is a Saint in both senses of the word. He eats humble pie and washes is down with a glass of gratitude. He has numerous charities and foundations in his name and is an active voice in the New Orleans community.

He did however, neglect to mention the guy upstairs, Jesus or Divine Luck in his speech. No, he thanked a hard-working team, staff and crew. He acknowledged those around him for their sacrifice and belief in Drew Breesus and the Organization. Doing anything otherwise would belittle those that helped him achieve this feat *cough cough* Tim Tebow.

Humble Beginnings:

Brees has been told his whole life “don’t quit your day job”. He’s been called everything from “too short” to “not physical enough”. He was laughed at in the combine. So he shrugged it off and became starting QB for the Chargers (and posted very good numbers).

But then the Chargers cut him, in lieu of Mr. Phillip “Fumblitis” Rivers, who even with years of superior wideouts, runnings back (2003-2007 LT anyone?) and great defenses could never make it out of the AFC playoffs. Breezy said f**k it and turned to a city deserving of his talents (and loyalty). San Diego fans, I know this piece hurts, but the truth usually does.

Brees supposedly fell in love with New Orleans post Katrina, wanted to make it his home and aid in the rebuilding process. The city owes him a huge debt of gratitude, but should also be commended for giving at scrappy 5 foot 11 dude a shot at redemption. As it turned out it was a match made in Heaven. A city hungry for a championship, and a QB with a chip on his shoulder and a long line of haters to prove wrong.

Drew’s impact was immediate. In a season the “Aints” blossomed into a juggernaut offense, and “who dats” reverberated throughout Louisiana. Winning seasons begat playoff runs and soon the Saints were contenders. Over time, the Superdome went from a symbol of tragedy and loss to one of hope and inspiration (Thanks again, BP for taking that away from the Gulf). The Franchise had a new face, this one with a huge scar (birthmark) on his right cheek.

Then came arguably one of the most entertaining Super Bowl wins I have ever witnessed (I mean who onside kicks to start the second half?). No one inside the New Orleans city limits is quite sure what happened after Brees hoisted the trophy, but days later as hangovers ravaged the city, citizens could faintly make out a scar-faced man in a number 9 jersey driving a float down through the Quarter. Was it a mirage or was it a vision of more to come?

As the NFC playoff picture becomes clearer, I keep asking myself the same question: “Who dat gonna beat dem Saints?” In case you haven’t figured it out, it’s rhetorical, dumbass. Geaux Saints!

Editor’s note: I’m calling a Saints-Patriots Superbowl this year. As a Pats fan, it’s tough giving the Pats an advantage.

The Meek Shall Inherit the Turf?


-By Eleanor Cameron

I’m not a football expert, nor am I a doctor. I know we covered Tebow in our last post, All He Does is Win, but we all knew that “Tebowtime” was fleeting. Thus, I’m going to go ahead and call this one- Tebowmania is dead.

Finally. I mean Even Jesus was getting sick of the act:

Not that it wasn’t entertaining while it lasted. The Tebowing tumblr is pretty hilarious, and gave people an entertaining pose to use for their holiday pictures. Not to mention that it’s probably a lot easier than planking, unless, of course, you decide to Tebow underwater.

Because Jesus loves me. And because underwater, no one can tell how slowly I release the ball.

But entertainment value aside, Tebow has never really been worth talking about as a quarterback. And yet, before the Patriots absolutely destroyed the Broncos for Tebow’s first loss as a starting quarterback, people were actually discussing whether it was crazy to consider Tim Tebow for the MVP.

YES. The answer is yes. If you are thinking that Tim Tebow should be MVP, then I hate to break it to you but you are a CRAZY PERSON. Seriously, stop listening to the voices. I know they’re convincing and all, but they’re not telling you the truth.

Let’s look at the stats for a moment, shall we? Tebow’s completion percentage is 48%, the worst of any quarterback currently in the NFL. His yards/game is 128, also the worst in the NFL. His yards/attempt rank is a little better- 25th out of 34 QBs. He’s thrown half as many interceptions as he has TDs. And before any Denver fans yell at me, I know he runs a lot. Maybe you’ve heard of this guy named Cam Newton. He’s also pretty good at running the football. He also broke Peyton Manning’s single-season rookie passing yards record.

So, really, what was all the Tebow fuss about? In what ESPN has dubbed the “Year of the Quarterback”, and in comparison to superstars like Drew Brees, Tom Brady, and Aaron Rodgers, why did we even care about Tebow?

Is it because he’s a devout Christian? I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out to y’all that Breesus is also of the faith. And instead of just kneeling down and praying after he smashes records, he thanks his teammates, coaches, trainers, and equipment managers. He founded a charity, the Brees Dream Foundation, that provides care and opportunities to children in need, especially in Katrina-ravaged New Orleans. He speaks out against anti-gay bullying. Tim Tebow tackles his mother and pressures us to follow his own personal beliefs.

Okay, so maybe people like Tebow because he’s “handsome”? Um, as a woman and a avid football fan, no. Just no. Sorry, but virgins in pimp suits who don’t think to thank their teammates and can’t pass the ball for shit don’t really do it for me.

Don’t cry, Tim. And please stop wearing those suits.

Besides, doesn’t Tom Brady and his (former) glorious mane, supermodel wife, and series of Uggs ads kind of have that whole attractive man as QB thing locked up already?

In short, Tebowmania drove me crazy. And okay, Denver fans, I get it, you were happy to be winning. But you had to know that it wouldn’t last, right?

This is year of excellent quarterbacks. Cam Newton and Drew Brees have already broken records. Brady and Rodgers are killing it in their respective divisions with their high powered offenses. Hell, even Eli Manning and Tony Romo are having decent years, although only one of them will make it to the playoffs. Matt Ryan and Matthew Stafford are young guys starting to make serious names for themselves.

So please, as a nation, can we just be over Tim Tebow already? Because I’d like to talk about the guys who really are good at this game- and who don’t give all the credit to the man upstairs.

DJ Steve Porter “All He Does is Win” Tim Tebow Remix


I guess that makes John Elway Judas?

I can only hope that all this “Tebow Time” talk ends Sunday Night after the Pats show Football Jesus what a real team looks like, but I’m sure that last 6 teams the Broncs faced have said the same thing.

It’s Brady Vs. Tebow. Mr. Perfect vs. Mr. Clutch. Pocket Passer vs. Play Action. An Unstoppable Force meets an Immovable Object. I cannot wait for this game.

That being said, I like the legend of Tebow…when he’s not facing my team. Not that religious stuff (although it really does seem like God is on the Broncos side), but the fact that he “shatters the mold” and defies all the haters–mostly by running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Hey, it’s better to be lucky than good, and at the end of the day only thing that counts is the “W”.

So with that being said, I give you DJ Steve Porter’s “All He Does is Win” Tim Tebow Remix. Hallelujerrrr: