MW3 and the End of Mankind

It’s WW3, bitches!

The Mayans might have been right about 2012, however hazy in the details. As another asteroid narrowly misses earth, it’s unlikely that the end of civilization will come from above. Global warming, the GOP and now video games appear to be likely candidates for the end of days.

I can just picture it – 2 months into the future all traces of man and his existence will be wiped clean from society as men take the #occupy movement to a new level. Save for living rooms and musky dens, man will walk the earth no more, staying hidden from direct sunlight and actual human interaction. Video games have just gotten too awesome of late. This is the Gold Age of Gaming.

If you’re a dude, you get it. You will never grow too old for video games, not with this Avatar Technology anyway. None of those stupid motion sensor games, this is for the tried and true 99% of bros. Enter MW3:

Living rooms will be taken over, obscenities will be screamed through headsets and cell phone and pizza bagels will be devoured at an alarming rate. There will be casualties, mainly to your social life and fitness level, but also to your friends and loved ones (unless they play themselves). But it’s worth it, because gentlemen, COD Modern Warface 3 just dropped. Sell your soul for $59.99.

I’ll be honest, Gears of War 3 is the sh*t and was the game I most anticipated this year. But then I remembered what happened when I got MW2 from gamefly last year. I beat the campaign by playing non-stop Sunday, bought xboxlive and held onto that game for 3 months as I became addicted to p0wning people the world over (das es gude, schiesskopf?).

MW2 was like no other game before, including the Halos, Gears, hell, even Goldeneye’s that I used to swear by. Just login and play “a quick one”. Hours later you’ll be hungry and in the dog house because apparently people were trying to talk to you…so they say.

This is my “desert island” game. I could play it until my those pizza bagels finish me off. The multiplayer for MW3 is more expansive than any platform I’ve heard of, with a revamped Killstreak/Pointstreak scoring system that rewards cunning as well as killing:

I have not played battlefield 3 yet, and I’ve heard good-great reviews. But like the last battlefield, it’s an awesome campaign with a limited multiplayer audience. After all, everyone’s gonna be on Gears 3 or MW3, right?

Just take a look at these gameplay videos, SAF! Plus an expanded multiplayer and tons of packs likely to drop in the next week, yeah this game is a self-contained ecosystem. It’s like the kindle fire with track pads (BTW, pre-order your Kindle Fire now lest you have to wait til Christmas, mediafiends).

Then sprinkle in all these trailer commercial promos with Jonah Hill (dude lost some weight huh?) and Sam Worthington (he does almost every male actor voice in FPS/Action video games now and he’s making BANK) and you’ve got brahs everywhere weighing taking a hit to their professional careers for XP, and p0wnage bragging rights. Isn’t that why we have friends? To stomp their asses in fantasy football and vid games? n00bs gotta learn:

The Brahpocalypse is upon us. Men are already disappearing at an alarming rate. Cell phones are going unanswered and after-work plans are falling apart. It’s too late to stop it, so you might as well embrace it. Damn you opposable thumbs! Imagine society if we didn’t have to create smartphones and little trinkets to keep us tapping away…

I guess my point is this. MW3 is Epic. Get it. Got it. Good.

If you’ve got a son, nephew, husband or boyfriend and you want some brownie points, buy them the game. Aside from keeping them out of real world trouble, it will almost assuredly force them to buy you “that thing you always wanted” or at the very least, a ticket to a Broadway show (barf):

If you have an xbox and MW3, my gamertag is earloffsandwich


The NCAA, Student Athletes and Prostitution

The workings of an undercover prostitution sting always baffled me. It seems like some form of entrapment, and much like the FBI’s new network of fake-terrorist informants (great MotherJones piece), is predicated upon forcing a person toward bad behavior (under a ruse) so you can punish and chastise them for it. South Park, give it to us straight:

FREEEZE! But, what does this have to do with the NCAA and “student athletes” (don’t worry South Park reference #2 is coming, sit tight)? Well, it explains how the NCAA sees its student athletes and how it deals with their transgressions off the field. Bear with me, this one’s about to get a little bumpy.

First off, the NCAA made over 1 billion dollars in 2010 off of football alone, and take a guess where all that money ended up? Correct answer is: not at the schools and not in the hands of the players that risk injury and their careers on every down. Each conference got around 5-7 million dollars, divided among roughly 12 schools per conference. That’s chump change. Like everything in America, the money is all concentrated at the top…of the press box.

I would liken this kind of “no-pay to play” business model as a form of indentured servitude (or slavery) but South Park beat me to the punch again:

“If they got paid, how’d we make all our money, right?” Cartman speaking the truth and it hurts. Here’s the kicker, these “student athletes” are allowed to receive tuition and book money as compensation, but that is it. It would be a fair deal if these players had no notions of going pro, and actually had time to pick up books (not playbooks), but lets face it: Cam Newton was no Rhodes Scholar.

Instead you encourage a group of highly aggressive, testosterone-driven males to become gladiators, treat them like gods on campus and on TV and get surprised when they ask for a new Rolex or chromed out SUV. The NCAA created these monsters and put them on national TV. Now they’re living with the results. Just don’t f**k with Dr. Frankenstein or he’ll cast you out into an angry mob.

I often hear this in response: “Well they knew what they were doing was illegal under NCAA charter rules…” Illegal, not immoral. Technically, betting on a company (that employs thousands of people) to fail is LEGAL. Sure, these players broke the rules, but wouldn’t you if you saw the level of profiteering on the part of NCAA big business? The legality of it is breaking a contract, one that you didn’t write up. Can you afford a lawyer? Doesn’t matter because the NCAA keeps many on retainer.

You can punish a guy for accepting a new caddy for his moms, but you won’t even bother with the rich, old white guys who made millions off of the sugar bowl, allowing Terrelle Prior to generate millions in revenue, but then once the lights dimmed, you suspend him from college football? I’d say it’s an instance of the pot calling the kettle black, but they’d just take it as a racial slur.

But fear not, that’s what booster clubs are for. Because you can’t outright pay these “student athletes” you have to convince them to stay in school through illegal bribes and underhanded dealings. Reggie Bush lost his Heisman for it and USC lost 3 years of championships and had their football program demolished. Doesn’t seem fair to the other players…especially those who did nothing wrong, yet did USC require all that ad, ticket and merchandise revenue be returned? Hell NO!

Now the UMiami thing is on the tip of everyone’s tongue, even though the culprit (a d-bag who just wanted to be “one of the boys”) is serving a 20 year sentence in jail already. Players who graduated years ago are now coming under scrutiny, even though they ARE professional athletes now. Kudos. Yet all that money came from somewhere (not just the jailed booster who was merely a go-between), and still no one is asking where.

Hate the player, not the game.

Like with prostitutes, it is very easy to punish “student athletes” and say you’re doing it for the “integrity” of the game/society. But much like them hos, most “student athletes” in Div. 1 schools have few mainstream job opportunities, and are forced to tough it out waiting for their Coach Richard Gere to come along (Lemiwinks!). Basically the NCAA is a crap shoot. Roll the dice and see if you succeed or fail. Where’s the integrity in that?

So they turn to “illegal” behavior, caused in large part by the “pay-to-play” NCAA environment that mimics pimping (and boy is it easy in college sports). Like prostitutes, the majority of student-athlete-earned money ends up in the hands of these board member “pimps” who every now and then throw a player a bone, some jewelry and sometimes a new whip, to keep them under their employment. They don’t want the game to change. It’s easy living large off of somebody else’s hard work. “Here’s a toast to all the douche-bags.”

Yet when the feds come calling and the police get involved, the pimps dole out some back-handed justice, grab the money and run, cutting all ties of their involvement. They escape unscathed, and are quick to find a new “student athlete” streetwalker that they can exploit.

It begs the question: Who’s really getting screwed here?