The Legend of Drew Brees

Drew Brees eats thunder and sh*ts lightning. His mere existence is a reminder of how much the rest of us fail. If he and Chuck Norris were to brawl, life would mimic that of high school: a ginger getting beat up by a football jock. Simply put, Drew Breesus is wicked good at QB, kid.

He should be this year’s MVP. Is anyone better? As a Boston-area commercial would say: “I doubt it”. Listen, Brady’s my boy, and Rodgers along with rookie sensation Cam Newton are the future of the passing game. But 5,087 yards. In 15 games. Over 5,400 in a full season, plus setting TE and Offensive yards/pts records. To paraphrase Mr. Chad Ochocinco “That’s some Madden sh*t”.

Sorry Dan. You at least deserved a Superbowl ring or two. When you pull yourself out of that bottle, remember: you were in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective…so that counts for something, right? I’ve still got your Jersey! Laces out, Dan.

To be honest, it was never a fair fight. Football nowadays is all about the passing game (and two other QBs still have a shot at breaking the Dan Marino former record this year). Guys just slang it more, and the league has made it much easier on offenses, including WRs and QBs. Throwing for 300+ yards a game is merely expected of most top tier Quarterbacks.

But Drew Brees is in a different class. He throws as well in the pocket as Tom Brady. He throws out of the pocket, on the run or against the sack better than Cam Newton and Aaron Rodgers. His eyes are always downfield, even when he’s shaking guys that are 100 lbs. heavier than him off his shoulders or chomping at his ankles. Put all that together and he’ll chew you up like he did the Giants Defense (the single best performance of a QB EVER):

What a BOSS. If you’re a defender, this is the guy that keeps you up at nights and appears in your nightmares like Freddy. As you helplessly watch, he’ll carve you up…mainly because Breezy completes more than 70% of his passes (record). That number is even higher on 3rd down conversions. So let me add this: aside from being the best passer in and out of the pocket, he is also the most CLUTCH quarterback out there (if I hear one more Denver fan say otherwise, I’m literally going to slap them and tell them God doesn’t exist).

But then there is the most important intangible of any QB: resolve. Announcers call it “mental toughness” but what the hell does that even mean? How many concussions you can take? *John Madden current holds the record*

For me, resolve is about deciding to go out there and make a play when it matters most. You want the ball. You’re calling the bootleg. You know what you are going to do and you execute it. Like the Honey Badger, you take what you want.

So I ask you. Final drive to win the game. Who do you want at the helm? Brady? Rodgers? or Brees? My Patriots loyalty precludes me from answering my own question, but I think we all know the answer.

So if you didn’t see the record setting performance, here are the highlights. As you’ll see, the last pass of the game, and the one that broke the Marino mark, was of course, a needle-threading touchdown pass to the smallest guy on the team, Darren Sproles. Did I mention that Sproles was also cut by the Chargers? That last one must have felt REAL good for the two former San Diegans (whale’s vajayjay?):

And in the locker room following his record setting performance, while Sean Payton gave his speech, what was Drew Brees doing? Why he was down on one knee, head tucked to his arms (I believe that’s called Tebowing, no?) and saying prayers and giving thanks. He stood up to a raucus cheer and did something truly impressive: he thanked his team. He thanked everyone from the coaches and wide receivers, to the defense and the “ball warmers”:

The guy is a Saint in both senses of the word. He eats humble pie and washes is down with a glass of gratitude. He has numerous charities and foundations in his name and is an active voice in the New Orleans community.

He did however, neglect to mention the guy upstairs, Jesus or Divine Luck in his speech. No, he thanked a hard-working team, staff and crew. He acknowledged those around him for their sacrifice and belief in Drew Breesus and the Organization. Doing anything otherwise would belittle those that helped him achieve this feat *cough cough* Tim Tebow.

Humble Beginnings:

Brees has been told his whole life “don’t quit your day job”. He’s been called everything from “too short” to “not physical enough”. He was laughed at in the combine. So he shrugged it off and became starting QB for the Chargers (and posted very good numbers).

But then the Chargers cut him, in lieu of Mr. Phillip “Fumblitis” Rivers, who even with years of superior wideouts, runnings back (2003-2007 LT anyone?) and great defenses could never make it out of the AFC playoffs. Breezy said f**k it and turned to a city deserving of his talents (and loyalty). San Diego fans, I know this piece hurts, but the truth usually does.

Brees supposedly fell in love with New Orleans post Katrina, wanted to make it his home and aid in the rebuilding process. The city owes him a huge debt of gratitude, but should also be commended for giving at scrappy 5 foot 11 dude a shot at redemption. As it turned out it was a match made in Heaven. A city hungry for a championship, and a QB with a chip on his shoulder and a long line of haters to prove wrong.

Drew’s impact was immediate. In a season the “Aints” blossomed into a juggernaut offense, and “who dats” reverberated throughout Louisiana. Winning seasons begat playoff runs and soon the Saints were contenders. Over time, the Superdome went from a symbol of tragedy and loss to one of hope and inspiration (Thanks again, BP for taking that away from the Gulf). The Franchise had a new face, this one with a huge scar (birthmark) on his right cheek.

Then came arguably one of the most entertaining Super Bowl wins I have ever witnessed (I mean who onside kicks to start the second half?). No one inside the New Orleans city limits is quite sure what happened after Brees hoisted the trophy, but days later as hangovers ravaged the city, citizens could faintly make out a scar-faced man in a number 9 jersey driving a float down through the Quarter. Was it a mirage or was it a vision of more to come?

As the NFC playoff picture becomes clearer, I keep asking myself the same question: “Who dat gonna beat dem Saints?” In case you haven’t figured it out, it’s rhetorical, dumbass. Geaux Saints!

Editor’s note: I’m calling a Saints-Patriots Superbowl this year. As a Pats fan, it’s tough giving the Pats an advantage.


Tom Brady’s Deal with the Devil

Apparently Brady took offense to Cam Newton’s record for most yards thrown in his first start at QB and reminded the NFL that HE is top dog in the passing game in last night’s canning of the Tuna. Just when you thought there would be some shakeup in the NFL, the old-guard said “not so fast”.

Newton threw for 422 yards with 2 TDs, 1 INT and a passer rating of 110. It was the single best performance of a rookie QB ever, even coming in a Panthers loss. The guy holding the record previously: Peyton Manning. Haters gone hate, but Cam is the real deal. Get some Panthers swag and root for a “Tim Tebow” that is faster, bigger and can actually throw the ball (Black Jesus?!). That’s racist yo:

But we here at transcend race…and on that note, we’re somehow back to a guy with one of the whitest last names possible: Brady.

For those of you who don’t know the legend of Tom Brady, he was the backup quarterback behind Drew “how-many-fingers-am-I-holding-up” Bledsoe. Brady to the surprise of most, was the 199th pick of the 2000 draft and was picked up as an insurance play. After putting up mediocre to bad numbers at the draft combine, he plummeted on the draft board, and was destined to be an NFL journeyman for the rest of his career.

But then, in 2001, after Bledsoe started bleeding internally on the field, Brady got the start, putting up poor passer rating numbers, but managing to win games.That year, the unknown QB won his first Superbowl for the Pats, earning the reputation as Mr. Clutch. For years Brady was a champion–synonymous with winning and making huge plays when they mattered most. No one however, considered him a top tier QB…

That was until the Pats added offensive weapons at WR, including Welker and Moss. After which point, the debate between Brady and Peyton was over. Brady became THE MAN in the passing game. He set a TD single season record in 2007, and last year was the first unanimous MVP, a result of his 36 to 4 TD to INT ratio and holds the record for most passes without an INT. Peyton who? Oh you mean Kerry Collin’s backup? To be fair, I like the guy, but can’t resist throwing up Peyton Sadface…awwwww:

So yesterday, when Brady posted 517 passing yards, 4 TDs and only one INT (it was a deflection off of a receiver), people started asking, “is Brady getting even better?”. In last night’s game he set the Patriots passing record for most yards (5th most yards in a game in history), and with the help of Welker, tied the longest play from scrimmage in the history of football (99 1/2 yards). It’s just absurd especially considering how good the Miami defense, pass rush and secondary is. The guy must shit diamond incrusted gold.

You NEVER throw the ball when you’re in your own endzone. Let alone throw for a TD! How is this guy still so good? How is he getting better? I couldn’t figure it out until someone said that they think Tom Brady made a deal with the Devil, and suddenly it all made sense. I mean, Cheney’s not too busy these days…

Exhibit A: 3 Superbowl Rings, 5 NFL passing records, unanimous MVP and the clear MVP for this year and likely in perpetuity. Exhibit B: Giselle. nough said. Exhibit C: Women gravitate toward that cleft chin and lion mane like it’s a PinkBerry. He’s Jbeez with a cannon for an arm. The guy is a homo:

Braaaaaaaaaaaaady! Sure people may luck out and be really good at one thing, but having such amazing luck is more than just hard work and tenacity. It’s a deal with the Devil.

I know athletes often thank God for the physical gifts and big time wins, but c’mon, lets give a little credit to Lucifer. After getting shunned by Jebus in the draft, Tom Brady took a trip down south to the crossroads and sold his soul for a golden arm. Satan is his motor. It fuels the awesomeness that is Tom Brady. There’s no other explanation.

Oh well, as Jerry would say, “a friend of a devil is a friend of mine”. Go Pats!