The 2012-13 NFL Season in GIF Glory


The following is a recap and tribute to the 2012-13 NFL season in all its GIF glory. Time to break it down:

carleton

It started off with Bounty-Gate and the Saints getting screwed:

Saints screwed

By this clown, who made nearly 30 million last year:

Goodell-as-McMahon

The replacement refs lived up to the hype:

hailmar2

Brandon Weedon goes America all over everybody’s asses:

WeedenFlag

Vince Wilfork needs a sandwich:

vince fumble

Jim Harbaugh contracts rabies:

jim rabies

Jerry Jones owns your soul:

jerry jones

Danny Amendola tries to euthanize grandpa:

amendola old man

Big Ben and Michael Vick pay for their past transgressions:

ROETHLISBERGER-ANKLE

VICKSMASH

J.J. Watt becomes the new Dikembe:

jj swat

RG3’s legs make the Redskins relevant again:

RG3-Run-GIF

But that doesn’t last too long:

rg3hurt

Alex Smith refuses to take off his helmet:

smith helmet

When that fails, he tries to drug usurper Rookie Colin Kaepernick’s helmet:

Smith Poo Helmet

Hey diddle-diddle, Ray Rice up the middle:

Ray Rice

Megatron breaks Jerry Rice’s single-season receiving yards record:

CJ record

Adrian Peterson proves that stem-cell research is worth it:

AP stem cell

The bum-fumble that sums up the entire Jets’ season and the end of the Sanchize:

sanchez butt-slam

Tebro didn’t fare much better:

tebow-helmet-pass-9-23-12

Peyton during the regular season:

Peyton before playoffs

Peyton in the post-season

Peyton during playoffs

Wouldn’t you be too, losing to this mustached man-child:

Gun slinger Flacco

Colin Kaepernick wants everyone to know that he works out:

Colin K

Ray Lewis emotionally craps his pants during the National Anthem:

Ray-Lewis emo

While Gronkowski nearly re-re-breaks his arm aggressively bro-dancing:

Gronk DanceTom Brady was less-than-pleased:

brady bitches

Thankfully there was some Beyonce:

beyonce-nip-slip-super-bowl-gif

Which caused all of New Orleans to collectively blackout:

poweroutagegif_original

And when everyone came to, there was this:

ravens-confetti-angel-super-bowl-gif

Even though everyone is still talking about this:

crabtree

Is it draft day yet?

Advertisements

We talkin’ bout PRACTICE


Albert Haynesworth passed his conditioning test, blew up one play and then hit the bench. Since then, he’s been sidelined, missing 5 days of practice. Belichick says it’s only precautionary, so don’t worry. We just talkin’ bout practice:

But what ill effects of the lockout will rear their ugly heads during the next few weeks of official workouts, scrimmages and of course, preseason games? Guys have been dropping like flies, likely the result of prolonged time away from trainers and strength coaches. It begs the question: will the first month of football flat-out suck?

It’s hard to say, especially as we get ramped up for fantasy football drafts. “Research analysts” have had little time to watch rising players and rookies have taken fewer snaps, spent less time learning routes and recognizing defensive and offensive schemes. Business may not be as usual this year and some teams may surprise/disappoint.

When asked where do overall defenses stand or who are the most conditioned running backs and fastest wideouts, definitive answers are hard to come by. Are we in store for some sloppy, sloppy football or the most entertaining year yet?

I’m waxing optimistic just because I’m convinced there will be no NBA season (at least not in this country). After all, these guys are professionals. They’ve been doing it all their adult lives, so what’s one small hiccup? It’s not like Haynesworth can unlearn being 6-9 and 350 pounds or Brady forgot how to throw a perfect spiral. They’re just shaking off the rust. Don’t take too much away from the first week of practice.

Remember 2007? Randy Moss pulled a hammy the first week of practice and everyone sounded the alarms, saying Moss was over the hill and his blockbuster trade was ill-advised. He then set the record for most TD receptions in a regular season. Leave fat Albert alone. He’ll be fine.

Haynesworth Headache?


Albert Haynesworth is about to become a New England Patriot. Well that is if tubs can pass his physical and conditioning exam (remember it took him a few tries last summer). If you were like me, and wondered why the Patriots repeatedly neglected to draft an interior pass rusher in the 2011 NFL draft, this is why. If you wondered why Bob Kraft and the New England Patriots were the first team to sign the new CBA and NFL agreement, this is why.

After two years of animosity in Washington (when isn’t there anger among Redskins fans?) and rule changes to the max salary that vetran players can make, the once most sought after defensive free agent in 2009 has made himself available to free agency. In doing so, the sticker price for Haynesworth has plummeted, making the 6 million dollar acquisition a no brainer for the Patriots. While Shanahan and the Redskins are relieved to move this million dollar money sink (his 100 million contract guaranteed 41 million before the CBA was passed), Pats fans seem generally happy that we have yet another Shamu-like-body to clog the offensive line and stop the run game, not to mention a guy that thrives in the interior pass rush (which we so desperately need). Richard Seymour’s vacancy has now been filled. Returning are the days when the Patriots D isn’t considered a vulgar word.

But what about the Haynesworth headaches? His refusal to play in a 3-4, which the Patriots use more than the 4-3. Sure he’ll be great in sub packages, but he won’t be an every down player unless he buys into the Belichick system. Given his history with coaches and his willingness to voice unhappiness, odds are we’ll find out sooner rather than later if that’s the case.

Can Belicheck break Mr. Haynesworth? I’m going with probably. Billy B’s got that Obama-like death stare that can freeze the loudest of malcontents with just a side-long glance. He knows how good his team is, and expects professionalism (and a playoff berth) every season. I heard he once invoked prima noctum on Giselle, just so Brady wouldn’t let the success go to his head.

New England and Belichick do have a history of turning primadona players into top producing, team-first assets (just look at Randy Moss and Corey Dillion), and I’m guessing Haynesworth will get in line because he’s simply just sick and tired of playing with pretender teams. (Fat) Albert and Vince Wilfork combined weigh nearly 700 lbs, and will tear up anything in front of them (whether it’s a running back or all-you-can-eat buffet). “You know me, I’m always hungry, baby”:

In football (and other areas) size matters and the Patriots defense just got a whole lot BIGGER. Throw in sophomores and former Gators, Spikes and Cunningham, behind these guys and I guarantee you that we’ll be seeing Mark Sanchez eat a lot of astroturf. Did I mention the J-E-T-S still S-U-C-K?

Now all the Pats need to do is sign Braylon Edwards, and (knock on wood) back to back championships here we come! Man it is good to have football back!

The Greatest Show on Turf Returns


By now you’ve all heard the good news. The NFL is back! Sure we’re 5 days away from going into default as a nation, but at least we got the greatest show on turf back. As our country descends into destitution, football will be there to remind us that if CEOs and primadona super-stars can reach a financial agreement, the US sure-as-shit better follow suit. I’m talking to you John Boehner, you carrot colored, assclown.

Now that the NFL is back, a whirlwind of trades, acquisitions and cuts have occurred to simply get the game up to speed and make up for lost time. Analysts can finally talk about the game, instead of talking about the monetary one. Rookies can start training with coaches and learn the plays that have alluded them the past 150 plus days.

But the true winners in all this are the fans. Sure we got played for months, but unlike the NBA, the season remains intact and no more of this nonsense for another 10 years (when the current CBA expires). Its back to screaming at the TV, making nachos and pointing to our jerseys when our favorite player does something big. Sunday is once again my favorite day of the week (sorry Jebus, but I pray to a higher power: Bill Belichick).

And for us Fantasy football fanatics, we can breath a sigh of relief. There will be another chance to trash-talk you friends and lose 50 dollars you know you would have blown on beer. Rotowire now occupies our smartphone screens. All is right in the pig-skin universe.

So when I saw this Clay Matthews commercial about “Blowing Up Plays” on Espn last night, I had to share it with y’all:

This just cracks me up and speaks to the awesomeness that is profession FOOTBALL. Just take Matthews, a guy who is basically a viking (probably a third generation Swede that came to the midwest and bulked up on some American corn and steroid filled red-meat) and tear him loose on players/inanimate objects–whatever. It makes for great TV. “You see how that offense is trying to fool us!”