Tim Tebow Walks into a Bar…


Courtesy ESPN stock.

So by now you’ve all heard. Peyton Manning is taking his talents to the Mile-high city. I know baseballs carry farther there…do footballs? Well anything not to be in the same division as his little bro.

Peyton is a Bronco and John Elway finally has someone to play catch with. ESPN has no more of that “PeytonWatch” bullsh*t (they seriously were following his van in a helicopter, OJ style), and all is right in goldfish nation. Let Manning-Mania begin!

But I don’t want to talk about the new Best in the AFC West. It’s a crappy division for starters and I’m not sold on how solid the Broncos are now even with Peyton’s supposedly surgically repaired vertabrae, bra. I would like to remind you of the “Dream Team” Philadelphia Eagles this past season.

Peyton is clearly a big upgrade at the QB spot, that’d non-debatable — but look around him. It’s Thomas and Eric “I’m just Happy to Be Here” Decker. Who’s Peyton gonna throw to against a good cover team, while the pocket collapses? That O-line broke down consistently last year, and luckily for the Broncos, during those plays, Tim Tebow affinity for breaking the pocket turned them (mostly) into positive ground yards. Thus the W’s and Tebow-mania:

But then I guess people just forgot. Maybe Linsanity took over and a new underdog story took his place. I’m not really sure, Denver, because at the end of last year, your Coach promised Tebow the starting QB spot only to have it ripped from his massive hands.

Man this is awkward...

Football Jesus, quite fittingly, was forsaken. By the front office, coaching staff, John Elway and yes, the fans (come at me bro). Let’s be real Denver, how many of you would like to see him get snaps over Peyton? In clutch moments or goal line situations? Yeah. Thought so. You guys might have well thrown him under the Team Bus at Pontius Palace.

I feel for the guy, even though I know he’s just not a good quarterback in the NFL. I’m sure he’ll carve out a niche as a role player, maybe a converted RB, TE or even as a 5-10 snaps a game Wild-Cat option, but I think the verdict is pretty much out. Although to be fair, I guess you could say the same about Mark Sanchize…and they just signed him for 5 years!

So Tebow, here’s a toast to you buddy. I know you don’t drink but now’s as good a time as any to start. I honestly didn’t think this post would be so sympathetic when I started writing it but you did get Denver fans energized again, and you did get wins (mostly). You made football fun to watch and I’ll always root for the underdog (unless it’s against my Pats). Most importantly, whenever I saw you throw the the football I thought to myself “I could do that”.

I will close by saying this. For the polarizing figure that he is, and love or hate his personal views,  Tim Tebow was arguably the greatest College QBs of all time. That should count for something and probably will if you get traded to Jacksonville. Glory Days:

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The Meek Shall Inherit the Turf?


-By Eleanor Cameron

I’m not a football expert, nor am I a doctor. I know we covered Tebow in our last post, All He Does is Win, but we all knew that “Tebowtime” was fleeting. Thus, I’m going to go ahead and call this one- Tebowmania is dead.

Finally. I mean Even Jesus was getting sick of the act:

Not that it wasn’t entertaining while it lasted. The Tebowing tumblr is pretty hilarious, and gave people an entertaining pose to use for their holiday pictures. Not to mention that it’s probably a lot easier than planking, unless, of course, you decide to Tebow underwater.

Because Jesus loves me. And because underwater, no one can tell how slowly I release the ball.

But entertainment value aside, Tebow has never really been worth talking about as a quarterback. And yet, before the Patriots absolutely destroyed the Broncos for Tebow’s first loss as a starting quarterback, people were actually discussing whether it was crazy to consider Tim Tebow for the MVP.

YES. The answer is yes. If you are thinking that Tim Tebow should be MVP, then I hate to break it to you but you are a CRAZY PERSON. Seriously, stop listening to the voices. I know they’re convincing and all, but they’re not telling you the truth.

Let’s look at the stats for a moment, shall we? Tebow’s completion percentage is 48%, the worst of any quarterback currently in the NFL. His yards/game is 128, also the worst in the NFL. His yards/attempt rank is a little better- 25th out of 34 QBs. He’s thrown half as many interceptions as he has TDs. And before any Denver fans yell at me, I know he runs a lot. Maybe you’ve heard of this guy named Cam Newton. He’s also pretty good at running the football. He also broke Peyton Manning’s single-season rookie passing yards record.

So, really, what was all the Tebow fuss about? In what ESPN has dubbed the “Year of the Quarterback”, and in comparison to superstars like Drew Brees, Tom Brady, and Aaron Rodgers, why did we even care about Tebow?

Is it because he’s a devout Christian? I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out to y’all that Breesus is also of the faith. And instead of just kneeling down and praying after he smashes records, he thanks his teammates, coaches, trainers, and equipment managers. He founded a charity, the Brees Dream Foundation, that provides care and opportunities to children in need, especially in Katrina-ravaged New Orleans. He speaks out against anti-gay bullying. Tim Tebow tackles his mother and pressures us to follow his own personal beliefs.

Okay, so maybe people like Tebow because he’s “handsome”? Um, as a woman and a avid football fan, no. Just no. Sorry, but virgins in pimp suits who don’t think to thank their teammates and can’t pass the ball for shit don’t really do it for me.

Don’t cry, Tim. And please stop wearing those suits.

Besides, doesn’t Tom Brady and his (former) glorious mane, supermodel wife, and series of Uggs ads kind of have that whole attractive man as QB thing locked up already?

In short, Tebowmania drove me crazy. And okay, Denver fans, I get it, you were happy to be winning. But you had to know that it wouldn’t last, right?

This is year of excellent quarterbacks. Cam Newton and Drew Brees have already broken records. Brady and Rodgers are killing it in their respective divisions with their high powered offenses. Hell, even Eli Manning and Tony Romo are having decent years, although only one of them will make it to the playoffs. Matt Ryan and Matthew Stafford are young guys starting to make serious names for themselves.

So please, as a nation, can we just be over Tim Tebow already? Because I’d like to talk about the guys who really are good at this game- and who don’t give all the credit to the man upstairs.