The Meek Shall Inherit the Turf?

-By Eleanor Cameron

I’m not a football expert, nor am I a doctor. I know we covered Tebow in our last post, All He Does is Win, but we all knew that “Tebowtime” was fleeting. Thus, I’m going to go ahead and call this one- Tebowmania is dead.

Finally. I mean Even Jesus was getting sick of the act:

Not that it wasn’t entertaining while it lasted. The Tebowing tumblr is pretty hilarious, and gave people an entertaining pose to use for their holiday pictures. Not to mention that it’s probably a lot easier than planking, unless, of course, you decide to Tebow underwater.

Because Jesus loves me. And because underwater, no one can tell how slowly I release the ball.

But entertainment value aside, Tebow has never really been worth talking about as a quarterback. And yet, before the Patriots absolutely destroyed the Broncos for Tebow’s first loss as a starting quarterback, people were actually discussing whether it was crazy to consider Tim Tebow for the MVP.

YES. The answer is yes. If you are thinking that Tim Tebow should be MVP, then I hate to break it to you but you are a CRAZY PERSON. Seriously, stop listening to the voices. I know they’re convincing and all, but they’re not telling you the truth.

Let’s look at the stats for a moment, shall we? Tebow’s completion percentage is 48%, the worst of any quarterback currently in the NFL. His yards/game is 128, also the worst in the NFL. His yards/attempt rank is a little better- 25th out of 34 QBs. He’s thrown half as many interceptions as he has TDs. And before any Denver fans yell at me, I know he runs a lot. Maybe you’ve heard of this guy named Cam Newton. He’s also pretty good at running the football. He also broke Peyton Manning’s single-season rookie passing yards record.

So, really, what was all the Tebow fuss about? In what ESPN has dubbed the “Year of the Quarterback”, and in comparison to superstars like Drew Brees, Tom Brady, and Aaron Rodgers, why did we even care about Tebow?

Is it because he’s a devout Christian? I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out to y’all that Breesus is also of the faith. And instead of just kneeling down and praying after he smashes records, he thanks his teammates, coaches, trainers, and equipment managers. He founded a charity, the Brees Dream Foundation, that provides care and opportunities to children in need, especially in Katrina-ravaged New Orleans. He speaks out against anti-gay bullying. Tim Tebow tackles his mother and pressures us to follow his own personal beliefs.

Okay, so maybe people like Tebow because he’s “handsome”? Um, as a woman and a avid football fan, no. Just no. Sorry, but virgins in pimp suits who don’t think to thank their teammates and can’t pass the ball for shit don’t really do it for me.

Don’t cry, Tim. And please stop wearing those suits.

Besides, doesn’t Tom Brady and his (former) glorious mane, supermodel wife, and series of Uggs ads kind of have that whole attractive man as QB thing locked up already?

In short, Tebowmania drove me crazy. And okay, Denver fans, I get it, you were happy to be winning. But you had to know that it wouldn’t last, right?

This is year of excellent quarterbacks. Cam Newton and Drew Brees have already broken records. Brady and Rodgers are killing it in their respective divisions with their high powered offenses. Hell, even Eli Manning and Tony Romo are having decent years, although only one of them will make it to the playoffs. Matt Ryan and Matthew Stafford are young guys starting to make serious names for themselves.

So please, as a nation, can we just be over Tim Tebow already? Because I’d like to talk about the guys who really are good at this game- and who don’t give all the credit to the man upstairs.


Tom Brady’s Deal with the Devil

Apparently Brady took offense to Cam Newton’s record for most yards thrown in his first start at QB and reminded the NFL that HE is top dog in the passing game in last night’s canning of the Tuna. Just when you thought there would be some shakeup in the NFL, the old-guard said “not so fast”.

Newton threw for 422 yards with 2 TDs, 1 INT and a passer rating of 110. It was the single best performance of a rookie QB ever, even coming in a Panthers loss. The guy holding the record previously: Peyton Manning. Haters gone hate, but Cam is the real deal. Get some Panthers swag and root for a “Tim Tebow” that is faster, bigger and can actually throw the ball (Black Jesus?!). That’s racist yo:

But we here at transcend race…and on that note, we’re somehow back to a guy with one of the whitest last names possible: Brady.

For those of you who don’t know the legend of Tom Brady, he was the backup quarterback behind Drew “how-many-fingers-am-I-holding-up” Bledsoe. Brady to the surprise of most, was the 199th pick of the 2000 draft and was picked up as an insurance play. After putting up mediocre to bad numbers at the draft combine, he plummeted on the draft board, and was destined to be an NFL journeyman for the rest of his career.

But then, in 2001, after Bledsoe started bleeding internally on the field, Brady got the start, putting up poor passer rating numbers, but managing to win games.That year, the unknown QB won his first Superbowl for the Pats, earning the reputation as Mr. Clutch. For years Brady was a champion–synonymous with winning and making huge plays when they mattered most. No one however, considered him a top tier QB…

That was until the Pats added offensive weapons at WR, including Welker and Moss. After which point, the debate between Brady and Peyton was over. Brady became THE MAN in the passing game. He set a TD single season record in 2007, and last year was the first unanimous MVP, a result of his 36 to 4 TD to INT ratio and holds the record for most passes without an INT. Peyton who? Oh you mean Kerry Collin’s backup? To be fair, I like the guy, but can’t resist throwing up Peyton Sadface…awwwww:

So yesterday, when Brady posted 517 passing yards, 4 TDs and only one INT (it was a deflection off of a receiver), people started asking, “is Brady getting even better?”. In last night’s game he set the Patriots passing record for most yards (5th most yards in a game in history), and with the help of Welker, tied the longest play from scrimmage in the history of football (99 1/2 yards). It’s just absurd especially considering how good the Miami defense, pass rush and secondary is. The guy must shit diamond incrusted gold.

You NEVER throw the ball when you’re in your own endzone. Let alone throw for a TD! How is this guy still so good? How is he getting better? I couldn’t figure it out until someone said that they think Tom Brady made a deal with the Devil, and suddenly it all made sense. I mean, Cheney’s not too busy these days…

Exhibit A: 3 Superbowl Rings, 5 NFL passing records, unanimous MVP and the clear MVP for this year and likely in perpetuity. Exhibit B: Giselle. nough said. Exhibit C: Women gravitate toward that cleft chin and lion mane like it’s a PinkBerry. He’s Jbeez with a cannon for an arm. The guy is a homo:

Braaaaaaaaaaaaady! Sure people may luck out and be really good at one thing, but having such amazing luck is more than just hard work and tenacity. It’s a deal with the Devil.

I know athletes often thank God for the physical gifts and big time wins, but c’mon, lets give a little credit to Lucifer. After getting shunned by Jebus in the draft, Tom Brady took a trip down south to the crossroads and sold his soul for a golden arm. Satan is his motor. It fuels the awesomeness that is Tom Brady. There’s no other explanation.

Oh well, as Jerry would say, “a friend of a devil is a friend of mine”. Go Pats!