The 2012-13 NFL Season in GIF Glory

The following is a recap and tribute to the 2012-13 NFL season in all its GIF glory. Time to break it down:


It started off with Bounty-Gate and the Saints getting screwed:

Saints screwed

By this clown, who made nearly 30 million last year:


The replacement refs lived up to the hype:


Brandon Weedon goes America all over everybody’s asses:


Vince Wilfork needs a sandwich:

vince fumble

Jim Harbaugh contracts rabies:

jim rabies

Jerry Jones owns your soul:

jerry jones

Danny Amendola tries to euthanize grandpa:

amendola old man

Big Ben and Michael Vick pay for their past transgressions:



J.J. Watt becomes the new Dikembe:

jj swat

RG3’s legs make the Redskins relevant again:


But that doesn’t last too long:


Alex Smith refuses to take off his helmet:

smith helmet

When that fails, he tries to drug usurper Rookie Colin Kaepernick’s helmet:

Smith Poo Helmet

Hey diddle-diddle, Ray Rice up the middle:

Ray Rice

Megatron breaks Jerry Rice’s single-season receiving yards record:

CJ record

Adrian Peterson proves that stem-cell research is worth it:

AP stem cell

The bum-fumble that sums up the entire Jets’ season and the end of the Sanchize:

sanchez butt-slam

Tebro didn’t fare much better:


Peyton during the regular season:

Peyton before playoffs

Peyton in the post-season

Peyton during playoffs

Wouldn’t you be too, losing to this mustached man-child:

Gun slinger Flacco

Colin Kaepernick wants everyone to know that he works out:

Colin K

Ray Lewis emotionally craps his pants during the National Anthem:

Ray-Lewis emo

While Gronkowski nearly re-re-breaks his arm aggressively bro-dancing:

Gronk DanceTom Brady was less-than-pleased:

brady bitches

Thankfully there was some Beyonce:


Which caused all of New Orleans to collectively blackout:


And when everyone came to, there was this:


Even though everyone is still talking about this:


Is it draft day yet?


Tim Tebow Walks into a Bar…

Courtesy ESPN stock.

So by now you’ve all heard. Peyton Manning is taking his talents to the Mile-high city. I know baseballs carry farther there…do footballs? Well anything not to be in the same division as his little bro.

Peyton is a Bronco and John Elway finally has someone to play catch with. ESPN has no more of that “PeytonWatch” bullsh*t (they seriously were following his van in a helicopter, OJ style), and all is right in goldfish nation. Let Manning-Mania begin!

But I don’t want to talk about the new Best in the AFC West. It’s a crappy division for starters and I’m not sold on how solid the Broncos are now even with Peyton’s supposedly surgically repaired vertabrae, bra. I would like to remind you of the “Dream Team” Philadelphia Eagles this past season.

Peyton is clearly a big upgrade at the QB spot, that’d non-debatable — but look around him. It’s Thomas and Eric “I’m just Happy to Be Here” Decker. Who’s Peyton gonna throw to against a good cover team, while the pocket collapses? That O-line broke down consistently last year, and luckily for the Broncos, during those plays, Tim Tebow affinity for breaking the pocket turned them (mostly) into positive ground yards. Thus the W’s and Tebow-mania:

But then I guess people just forgot. Maybe Linsanity took over and a new underdog story took his place. I’m not really sure, Denver, because at the end of last year, your Coach promised Tebow the starting QB spot only to have it ripped from his massive hands.

Man this is awkward...

Football Jesus, quite fittingly, was forsaken. By the front office, coaching staff, John Elway and yes, the fans (come at me bro). Let’s be real Denver, how many of you would like to see him get snaps over Peyton? In clutch moments or goal line situations? Yeah. Thought so. You guys might have well thrown him under the Team Bus at Pontius Palace.

I feel for the guy, even though I know he’s just not a good quarterback in the NFL. I’m sure he’ll carve out a niche as a role player, maybe a converted RB, TE or even as a 5-10 snaps a game Wild-Cat option, but I think the verdict is pretty much out. Although to be fair, I guess you could say the same about Mark Sanchize…and they just signed him for 5 years!

So Tebow, here’s a toast to you buddy. I know you don’t drink but now’s as good a time as any to start. I honestly didn’t think this post would be so sympathetic when I started writing it but you did get Denver fans energized again, and you did get wins (mostly). You made football fun to watch and I’ll always root for the underdog (unless it’s against my Pats). Most importantly, whenever I saw you throw the the football I thought to myself “I could do that”.

I will close by saying this. For the polarizing figure that he is, and love or hate his personal views,  Tim Tebow was arguably the greatest College QBs of all time. That should count for something and probably will if you get traded to Jacksonville. Glory Days:

The Legend of Drew Brees

Drew Brees eats thunder and sh*ts lightning. His mere existence is a reminder of how much the rest of us fail. If he and Chuck Norris were to brawl, life would mimic that of high school: a ginger getting beat up by a football jock. Simply put, Drew Breesus is wicked good at QB, kid.

He should be this year’s MVP. Is anyone better? As a Boston-area commercial would say: “I doubt it”. Listen, Brady’s my boy, and Rodgers along with rookie sensation Cam Newton are the future of the passing game. But 5,087 yards. In 15 games. Over 5,400 in a full season, plus setting TE and Offensive yards/pts records. To paraphrase Mr. Chad Ochocinco “That’s some Madden sh*t”.

Sorry Dan. You at least deserved a Superbowl ring or two. When you pull yourself out of that bottle, remember: you were in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective…so that counts for something, right? I’ve still got your Jersey! Laces out, Dan.

To be honest, it was never a fair fight. Football nowadays is all about the passing game (and two other QBs still have a shot at breaking the Dan Marino former record this year). Guys just slang it more, and the league has made it much easier on offenses, including WRs and QBs. Throwing for 300+ yards a game is merely expected of most top tier Quarterbacks.

But Drew Brees is in a different class. He throws as well in the pocket as Tom Brady. He throws out of the pocket, on the run or against the sack better than Cam Newton and Aaron Rodgers. His eyes are always downfield, even when he’s shaking guys that are 100 lbs. heavier than him off his shoulders or chomping at his ankles. Put all that together and he’ll chew you up like he did the Giants Defense (the single best performance of a QB EVER):

What a BOSS. If you’re a defender, this is the guy that keeps you up at nights and appears in your nightmares like Freddy. As you helplessly watch, he’ll carve you up…mainly because Breezy completes more than 70% of his passes (record). That number is even higher on 3rd down conversions. So let me add this: aside from being the best passer in and out of the pocket, he is also the most CLUTCH quarterback out there (if I hear one more Denver fan say otherwise, I’m literally going to slap them and tell them God doesn’t exist).

But then there is the most important intangible of any QB: resolve. Announcers call it “mental toughness” but what the hell does that even mean? How many concussions you can take? *John Madden current holds the record*

For me, resolve is about deciding to go out there and make a play when it matters most. You want the ball. You’re calling the bootleg. You know what you are going to do and you execute it. Like the Honey Badger, you take what you want.

So I ask you. Final drive to win the game. Who do you want at the helm? Brady? Rodgers? or Brees? My Patriots loyalty precludes me from answering my own question, but I think we all know the answer.

So if you didn’t see the record setting performance, here are the highlights. As you’ll see, the last pass of the game, and the one that broke the Marino mark, was of course, a needle-threading touchdown pass to the smallest guy on the team, Darren Sproles. Did I mention that Sproles was also cut by the Chargers? That last one must have felt REAL good for the two former San Diegans (whale’s vajayjay?):

And in the locker room following his record setting performance, while Sean Payton gave his speech, what was Drew Brees doing? Why he was down on one knee, head tucked to his arms (I believe that’s called Tebowing, no?) and saying prayers and giving thanks. He stood up to a raucus cheer and did something truly impressive: he thanked his team. He thanked everyone from the coaches and wide receivers, to the defense and the “ball warmers”:

The guy is a Saint in both senses of the word. He eats humble pie and washes is down with a glass of gratitude. He has numerous charities and foundations in his name and is an active voice in the New Orleans community.

He did however, neglect to mention the guy upstairs, Jesus or Divine Luck in his speech. No, he thanked a hard-working team, staff and crew. He acknowledged those around him for their sacrifice and belief in Drew Breesus and the Organization. Doing anything otherwise would belittle those that helped him achieve this feat *cough cough* Tim Tebow.

Humble Beginnings:

Brees has been told his whole life “don’t quit your day job”. He’s been called everything from “too short” to “not physical enough”. He was laughed at in the combine. So he shrugged it off and became starting QB for the Chargers (and posted very good numbers).

But then the Chargers cut him, in lieu of Mr. Phillip “Fumblitis” Rivers, who even with years of superior wideouts, runnings back (2003-2007 LT anyone?) and great defenses could never make it out of the AFC playoffs. Breezy said f**k it and turned to a city deserving of his talents (and loyalty). San Diego fans, I know this piece hurts, but the truth usually does.

Brees supposedly fell in love with New Orleans post Katrina, wanted to make it his home and aid in the rebuilding process. The city owes him a huge debt of gratitude, but should also be commended for giving at scrappy 5 foot 11 dude a shot at redemption. As it turned out it was a match made in Heaven. A city hungry for a championship, and a QB with a chip on his shoulder and a long line of haters to prove wrong.

Drew’s impact was immediate. In a season the “Aints” blossomed into a juggernaut offense, and “who dats” reverberated throughout Louisiana. Winning seasons begat playoff runs and soon the Saints were contenders. Over time, the Superdome went from a symbol of tragedy and loss to one of hope and inspiration (Thanks again, BP for taking that away from the Gulf). The Franchise had a new face, this one with a huge scar (birthmark) on his right cheek.

Then came arguably one of the most entertaining Super Bowl wins I have ever witnessed (I mean who onside kicks to start the second half?). No one inside the New Orleans city limits is quite sure what happened after Brees hoisted the trophy, but days later as hangovers ravaged the city, citizens could faintly make out a scar-faced man in a number 9 jersey driving a float down through the Quarter. Was it a mirage or was it a vision of more to come?

As the NFC playoff picture becomes clearer, I keep asking myself the same question: “Who dat gonna beat dem Saints?” In case you haven’t figured it out, it’s rhetorical, dumbass. Geaux Saints!

Editor’s note: I’m calling a Saints-Patriots Superbowl this year. As a Pats fan, it’s tough giving the Pats an advantage.

The Meek Shall Inherit the Turf?

-By Eleanor Cameron

I’m not a football expert, nor am I a doctor. I know we covered Tebow in our last post, All He Does is Win, but we all knew that “Tebowtime” was fleeting. Thus, I’m going to go ahead and call this one- Tebowmania is dead.

Finally. I mean Even Jesus was getting sick of the act:

Not that it wasn’t entertaining while it lasted. The Tebowing tumblr is pretty hilarious, and gave people an entertaining pose to use for their holiday pictures. Not to mention that it’s probably a lot easier than planking, unless, of course, you decide to Tebow underwater.

Because Jesus loves me. And because underwater, no one can tell how slowly I release the ball.

But entertainment value aside, Tebow has never really been worth talking about as a quarterback. And yet, before the Patriots absolutely destroyed the Broncos for Tebow’s first loss as a starting quarterback, people were actually discussing whether it was crazy to consider Tim Tebow for the MVP.

YES. The answer is yes. If you are thinking that Tim Tebow should be MVP, then I hate to break it to you but you are a CRAZY PERSON. Seriously, stop listening to the voices. I know they’re convincing and all, but they’re not telling you the truth.

Let’s look at the stats for a moment, shall we? Tebow’s completion percentage is 48%, the worst of any quarterback currently in the NFL. His yards/game is 128, also the worst in the NFL. His yards/attempt rank is a little better- 25th out of 34 QBs. He’s thrown half as many interceptions as he has TDs. And before any Denver fans yell at me, I know he runs a lot. Maybe you’ve heard of this guy named Cam Newton. He’s also pretty good at running the football. He also broke Peyton Manning’s single-season rookie passing yards record.

So, really, what was all the Tebow fuss about? In what ESPN has dubbed the “Year of the Quarterback”, and in comparison to superstars like Drew Brees, Tom Brady, and Aaron Rodgers, why did we even care about Tebow?

Is it because he’s a devout Christian? I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out to y’all that Breesus is also of the faith. And instead of just kneeling down and praying after he smashes records, he thanks his teammates, coaches, trainers, and equipment managers. He founded a charity, the Brees Dream Foundation, that provides care and opportunities to children in need, especially in Katrina-ravaged New Orleans. He speaks out against anti-gay bullying. Tim Tebow tackles his mother and pressures us to follow his own personal beliefs.

Okay, so maybe people like Tebow because he’s “handsome”? Um, as a woman and a avid football fan, no. Just no. Sorry, but virgins in pimp suits who don’t think to thank their teammates and can’t pass the ball for shit don’t really do it for me.

Don’t cry, Tim. And please stop wearing those suits.

Besides, doesn’t Tom Brady and his (former) glorious mane, supermodel wife, and series of Uggs ads kind of have that whole attractive man as QB thing locked up already?

In short, Tebowmania drove me crazy. And okay, Denver fans, I get it, you were happy to be winning. But you had to know that it wouldn’t last, right?

This is year of excellent quarterbacks. Cam Newton and Drew Brees have already broken records. Brady and Rodgers are killing it in their respective divisions with their high powered offenses. Hell, even Eli Manning and Tony Romo are having decent years, although only one of them will make it to the playoffs. Matt Ryan and Matthew Stafford are young guys starting to make serious names for themselves.

So please, as a nation, can we just be over Tim Tebow already? Because I’d like to talk about the guys who really are good at this game- and who don’t give all the credit to the man upstairs.

DJ Steve Porter “All He Does is Win” Tim Tebow Remix

I guess that makes John Elway Judas?

I can only hope that all this “Tebow Time” talk ends Sunday Night after the Pats show Football Jesus what a real team looks like, but I’m sure that last 6 teams the Broncs faced have said the same thing.

It’s Brady Vs. Tebow. Mr. Perfect vs. Mr. Clutch. Pocket Passer vs. Play Action. An Unstoppable Force meets an Immovable Object. I cannot wait for this game.

That being said, I like the legend of Tebow…when he’s not facing my team. Not that religious stuff (although it really does seem like God is on the Broncos side), but the fact that he “shatters the mold” and defies all the haters–mostly by running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Hey, it’s better to be lucky than good, and at the end of the day only thing that counts is the “W”.

So with that being said, I give you DJ Steve Porter’s “All He Does is Win” Tim Tebow Remix. Hallelujerrrr:

Football Dimorphism

What’s that little kid doing on the field?

Football is the ultimate “specialty” sport. Nowhere else do you see such a wide range of sizes, speeds and body types from 350 lb. lineman to diminutive Running Backs. In the NFL, size matters, but not always in the way one would think.

When studying the change of NFL body types over the last 20 years we’ve seen two overall trends: 1) Tackles and guards are getting much bigger and heavier (click here for ESPN article on weight increase and average life expectancy decrease of NFL players) and 2) Running Backs have gotten smaller and more compact.

While most people recognize that linemen are getting bigger, they often neglect the response by RBs in the last 20 years. Barry Sanders, probably the greatest pure RB ever, stood at a whopping 5 foot 7 1/2 inches. Swag:

Now if only they could go back and remaster NFL film magically transforming it into HD glory. I mean, I can’t even tell who’s playing. What’s the score?…savages. If you showed NFL fans NFL Redzone 20 years ago, I’m pretty sure they’d poop themselves. Anyway, I had a point somewhere about Running Backs getting smaller in lieu of larger Linemen.

That’s not to say that there are exceptions to the rule. Large Backs such as Adrian Peterson, Peyton Hillis and Brandon Jacobs have made their careers of off steam-rolling Linebackers and even DE’s–but still haven’t had much success with gargantuan DTs. Football is won in the trenches and you’re only as good as the guys in front of you.

When you want to pound the ball, it makes sense to add some size up front, but you can’t always pound the ball. Defenses tend to figure it out. Peterson makes up for it with his blazing speed, Jacobs uses his immense weight and size, while Hillis succeeds based on his “heart”…whatever that means.

Good luck getting thru this duo.

Simply put, there just isn’t enough “space” for a RB to fit through nowadays. With so much meat up front, the holes and gaps become a lot, lot smaller. You might be super-fast, but it will do you little good running into the combined 750-pound wall that is Vince Wilfork and Albert Haynesworth up front (that is going to be real fun to watch this year, c’mon Jets, ground and pound?).

So as Tackles get bigger, RBs have responded by getting smaller and more compact. Density mixed with speed and agility. With huge bodies on both sides, these guys have the ability to hide behind the O-line, and shoot the gap (however small it may be) when a space opens up. The second they see daylight they’re gone and into the secondary, running at full speed. Out of the top 10 RBs last year we’ve got the following guys coming it at 5’10 or shorter: Rice, Charles, Turner, Mendenhall, Johnson, Jones-Drew and Bradshaw.

Don’t believe me? Well I give you Danny “little man” Woodhead. A stud in DII College Football, this undersized 5 foot 7 Back was cut by the Jets, and embraced by the Patriots. When he gets the ball and has someone big in front of him, it’s a first down, if not a TD. Defenses lose him behind the Pats mighty O-line until it’s two late and his a step and a half behind you. If you can’t run through em, run around them. Go little man, GO!

Then there is the ever prolific Darren Sproles. One of the most entertaining guys to watch on the field. He’s a game changer. He makes huge plays and does it standing 5 foot 7 (do you notice a height theme here?). Watch this 72 yard punt return in the season opener against the Packers (a very solid D and special teams crew). He just put on the afterburners and SEE YA:

Roll Tide

By B-Kurtis

This is some pretty messed up stuff.  No, I’m not talking about how Troy Davis was in a group that was assaulting a homeless man in the first place.  I’m talking about how he was just executed (click for NYtimes article).

The death penalty is extremely problematic.  I’m pretty sure if I knew someone who had killed a relative, I would want that person dead.  And so, since the state won’t let me do it, they should take care of it. That would be the logic of someone who doesn’t think about anyone but themselves, and has trouble thinking about political economy.  Counterargument: Government is prone to corruption when there are not enough checks on its power.  Blah blah blah. Nobody cares.

Most people are just going to believe what their parents believed.  Do not let the state kill people is what I’ll tell my kids.  That’s as much as I can do about racism in the south.  Although, maybe things are changing because of twitter….

… (Troy Davis was executed at 11:08 pm last night)


Let’s get to football.

I just watched the Bears game shortcuts via DirectTV, and it was really hard to watch.  The Bears D is great.  But they get tired.  Because our quarterback does not wear Uggs. Without those Uggs, Jay “Diabetes” Cutler himself doesn’t think he’ll last the ’11 season (click for ESPN article).

Here is a recent conversation I heard between Jay Cutler and Brian Urlacher:

Brian: “Please wear Uggs.  I’m not going to my mother’s funeral if you don’t.  We need to win.”

Jay: “No, Brian.  I will not wear Uggs.  That said, I was very sorry to hear about your mother’s passing, and I hope the funeral helps you reflect on what I hope was a life as great as her son’s achievements.”

Brian: “I hate you, Jay!”

Jay: “You don’t mean that.”

Brian: “You’re right.  I’m sorry.”

–They hugg it out –

Lovie Smith enters with a shit-eating grin: “How about that Ryan Fitzpatrick!”

–Lovie trips over himself and falls onto Mike Martz who accidentally pushes Mike Tice over a cliff –

No one cares, because Mike Tice is a terrible O-line coach, and probably is continuing to be a corrupt ticket scalper.  Worthless.  He should be executed.

I said to my son.

Follow B-Kurtis on twitter: @robertkurtzman

Tom Brady’s Deal with the Devil

Apparently Brady took offense to Cam Newton’s record for most yards thrown in his first start at QB and reminded the NFL that HE is top dog in the passing game in last night’s canning of the Tuna. Just when you thought there would be some shakeup in the NFL, the old-guard said “not so fast”.

Newton threw for 422 yards with 2 TDs, 1 INT and a passer rating of 110. It was the single best performance of a rookie QB ever, even coming in a Panthers loss. The guy holding the record previously: Peyton Manning. Haters gone hate, but Cam is the real deal. Get some Panthers swag and root for a “Tim Tebow” that is faster, bigger and can actually throw the ball (Black Jesus?!). That’s racist yo:

But we here at transcend race…and on that note, we’re somehow back to a guy with one of the whitest last names possible: Brady.

For those of you who don’t know the legend of Tom Brady, he was the backup quarterback behind Drew “how-many-fingers-am-I-holding-up” Bledsoe. Brady to the surprise of most, was the 199th pick of the 2000 draft and was picked up as an insurance play. After putting up mediocre to bad numbers at the draft combine, he plummeted on the draft board, and was destined to be an NFL journeyman for the rest of his career.

But then, in 2001, after Bledsoe started bleeding internally on the field, Brady got the start, putting up poor passer rating numbers, but managing to win games.That year, the unknown QB won his first Superbowl for the Pats, earning the reputation as Mr. Clutch. For years Brady was a champion–synonymous with winning and making huge plays when they mattered most. No one however, considered him a top tier QB…

That was until the Pats added offensive weapons at WR, including Welker and Moss. After which point, the debate between Brady and Peyton was over. Brady became THE MAN in the passing game. He set a TD single season record in 2007, and last year was the first unanimous MVP, a result of his 36 to 4 TD to INT ratio and holds the record for most passes without an INT. Peyton who? Oh you mean Kerry Collin’s backup? To be fair, I like the guy, but can’t resist throwing up Peyton Sadface…awwwww:

So yesterday, when Brady posted 517 passing yards, 4 TDs and only one INT (it was a deflection off of a receiver), people started asking, “is Brady getting even better?”. In last night’s game he set the Patriots passing record for most yards (5th most yards in a game in history), and with the help of Welker, tied the longest play from scrimmage in the history of football (99 1/2 yards). It’s just absurd especially considering how good the Miami defense, pass rush and secondary is. The guy must shit diamond incrusted gold.

You NEVER throw the ball when you’re in your own endzone. Let alone throw for a TD! How is this guy still so good? How is he getting better? I couldn’t figure it out until someone said that they think Tom Brady made a deal with the Devil, and suddenly it all made sense. I mean, Cheney’s not too busy these days…

Exhibit A: 3 Superbowl Rings, 5 NFL passing records, unanimous MVP and the clear MVP for this year and likely in perpetuity. Exhibit B: Giselle. nough said. Exhibit C: Women gravitate toward that cleft chin and lion mane like it’s a PinkBerry. He’s Jbeez with a cannon for an arm. The guy is a homo:

Braaaaaaaaaaaaady! Sure people may luck out and be really good at one thing, but having such amazing luck is more than just hard work and tenacity. It’s a deal with the Devil.

I know athletes often thank God for the physical gifts and big time wins, but c’mon, lets give a little credit to Lucifer. After getting shunned by Jebus in the draft, Tom Brady took a trip down south to the crossroads and sold his soul for a golden arm. Satan is his motor. It fuels the awesomeness that is Tom Brady. There’s no other explanation.

Oh well, as Jerry would say, “a friend of a devil is a friend of mine”. Go Pats!

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Yep, in less than 5 hours, football is back. Hallelujah! Words can’t do justice to the feeling of having the greatest show on turf back on TV, but maybe commercials can. Cue Steven Jackson:

The pomp, the circumstance. The brutal hits. The Endzone! Football is back baby.

Oh you want defense, well here you go, led by Mr. Clay “Beowulf” Matthews. “You see how that offense is trying to fool us!”:

So here’s tonight’s prediction: Saints over Green Bay 31-24. Drew Breezy throws for 400 plus yards and two TDs. Mark Ingram 60 yards and 2 touchdowns (he’s a vulture). Then again, I’m pretty, pretty biased. I would love to see Clay Matthews steam roll someone, just not my starting fantasy QB.

And just for the record, Hayman, football, like bacon, is AWESOME. Fact: both are amazing but terrible for your long-term health. Fact: both are enjoyed primarily on Sunday mornings/early afternoons. Fact: Both are all about the PIGSKIN!

Fantasy Football Kickoff

Fantasy football is a crapshoot. Unlike fantasy baseball and basketball which heavily rely on statistics, their long seasons and expanded sample size of games, fantasy football is just as much about luck, as it is about scouting.  You might have the best team before injuries, you might have the best team during specific match-ups, but all that goes out the window when game day approaches.

That being said, it’s also the original fantasy sport. Since I started playing back in high school (2002-2003) year, very little about the game has changed, yet it seems like everyone and their mother is playing now.

It’s become a billion dollar industry, bringing gambling to your fingertips and clogging webpages, Sportscenter briefs and magazines with “insider” information that people now pay more to read about than the actual payoff of their fantasy league. Just like the talking-head pundits for election cycles and coverage, these morons are almost always wrongfully speculating and do so just to get ratings, not to improve the nation/your team:

You will have just as much luck going with your gut, as you will running advanced metrics.

So why do we do it? Well for my fellow males, it’s all about bragging rights. Nothing like rubbing it in your friend’s face that you’re better at fielding an abstract team based on statistics. It’s like being “king of the castle”, as you pretend to be Robert Kraft and overload your team with superstars (because in this league there are usually only 8-12 teams total). It’s pretty fucking easy this way, and makes me think anyone can run an NFL team. “Mark Cuban aint got nothing on me”.

But the real enjoyment comes not from pwning your fellow friends, colleagues and family members, but from reveling in your victories. During the season, your gmail inbox is brimming with hateful “suck it, bitch” emails, with members either making excuses or gloating for all to see. Fantasy football isn’t about winning. It’s about making everyone else lose. That’s probably why my league, The Onion, only gives out $600 to first place. No consolation bs. Just a dirty limerick from Mr. Michael Stout.

The best thing about Fantasy Football, in my mind, is how involved it gets you with your players, and as a result, their teams. If you follow your players enough, you’ll soon find yourself watching the game of football, instead of just your hometown heros. It’s great, and really gets you into the sport as a whole. My suggestion is, however, that if you take the plunge into Fantasy Football this year, get NFL Redzone on your TV. It is the single greatest invention of sports television there is (can I get a 70 TD montage?).