MW3 and the End of Mankind

It’s WW3, bitches!

The Mayans might have been right about 2012, however hazy in the details. As another asteroid narrowly misses earth, it’s unlikely that the end of civilization will come from above. Global warming, the GOP and now video games appear to be likely candidates for the end of days.

I can just picture it – 2 months into the future all traces of man and his existence will be wiped clean from society as men take the #occupy movement to a new level. Save for living rooms and musky dens, man will walk the earth no more, staying hidden from direct sunlight and actual human interaction. Video games have just gotten too awesome of late. This is the Gold Age of Gaming.

If you’re a dude, you get it. You will never grow too old for video games, not with this Avatar Technology anyway. None of those stupid motion sensor games, this is for the tried and true 99% of bros. Enter MW3:

Living rooms will be taken over, obscenities will be screamed through headsets and cell phone and pizza bagels will be devoured at an alarming rate. There will be casualties, mainly to your social life and fitness level, but also to your friends and loved ones (unless they play themselves). But it’s worth it, because gentlemen, COD Modern Warface 3 just dropped. Sell your soul for $59.99.

I’ll be honest, Gears of War 3 is the sh*t and was the game I most anticipated this year. But then I remembered what happened when I got MW2 from gamefly last year. I beat the campaign by playing non-stop Sunday, bought xboxlive and held onto that game for 3 months as I became addicted to p0wning people the world over (das es gude, schiesskopf?).

MW2 was like no other game before, including the Halos, Gears, hell, even Goldeneye’s that I used to swear by. Just login and play “a quick one”. Hours later you’ll be hungry and in the dog house because apparently people were trying to talk to you…so they say.

This is my “desert island” game. I could play it until my those pizza bagels finish me off. The multiplayer for MW3 is more expansive than any platform I’ve heard of, with a revamped Killstreak/Pointstreak scoring system that rewards cunning as well as killing:

I have not played battlefield 3 yet, and I’ve heard good-great reviews. But like the last battlefield, it’s an awesome campaign with a limited multiplayer audience. After all, everyone’s gonna be on Gears 3 or MW3, right?

Just take a look at these gameplay videos, SAF! Plus an expanded multiplayer and tons of packs likely to drop in the next week, yeah this game is a self-contained ecosystem. It’s like the kindle fire with track pads (BTW, pre-order your Kindle Fire now lest you have to wait til Christmas, mediafiends).

Then sprinkle in all these trailer commercial promos with Jonah Hill (dude lost some weight huh?) and Sam Worthington (he does almost every male actor voice in FPS/Action video games now and he’s making BANK) and you’ve got brahs everywhere weighing taking a hit to their professional careers for XP, and p0wnage bragging rights. Isn’t that why we have friends? To stomp their asses in fantasy football and vid games? n00bs gotta learn:

The Brahpocalypse is upon us. Men are already disappearing at an alarming rate. Cell phones are going unanswered and after-work plans are falling apart. It’s too late to stop it, so you might as well embrace it. Damn you opposable thumbs! Imagine society if we didn’t have to create smartphones and little trinkets to keep us tapping away…

I guess my point is this. MW3 is Epic. Get it. Got it. Good.

If you’ve got a son, nephew, husband or boyfriend and you want some brownie points, buy them the game. Aside from keeping them out of real world trouble, it will almost assuredly force them to buy you “that thing you always wanted” or at the very least, a ticket to a Broadway show (barf):

If you have an xbox and MW3, my gamertag is earloffsandwich