MW3 and the End of Mankind

It’s WW3, bitches!

The Mayans might have been right about 2012, however hazy in the details. As another asteroid narrowly misses earth, it’s unlikely that the end of civilization will come from above. Global warming, the GOP and now video games appear to be likely candidates for the end of days.

I can just picture it – 2 months into the future all traces of man and his existence will be wiped clean from society as men take the #occupy movement to a new level. Save for living rooms and musky dens, man will walk the earth no more, staying hidden from direct sunlight and actual human interaction. Video games have just gotten too awesome of late. This is the Gold Age of Gaming.

If you’re a dude, you get it. You will never grow too old for video games, not with this Avatar Technology anyway. None of those stupid motion sensor games, this is for the tried and true 99% of bros. Enter MW3:

Living rooms will be taken over, obscenities will be screamed through headsets and cell phone and pizza bagels will be devoured at an alarming rate. There will be casualties, mainly to your social life and fitness level, but also to your friends and loved ones (unless they play themselves). But it’s worth it, because gentlemen, COD Modern Warface 3 just dropped. Sell your soul for $59.99.

I’ll be honest, Gears of War 3 is the sh*t and was the game I most anticipated this year. But then I remembered what happened when I got MW2 from gamefly last year. I beat the campaign by playing non-stop Sunday, bought xboxlive and held onto that game for 3 months as I became addicted to p0wning people the world over (das es gude, schiesskopf?).

MW2 was like no other game before, including the Halos, Gears, hell, even Goldeneye’s that I used to swear by. Just login and play “a quick one”. Hours later you’ll be hungry and in the dog house because apparently people were trying to talk to you…so they say.

This is my “desert island” game. I could play it until my those pizza bagels finish me off. The multiplayer for MW3 is more expansive than any platform I’ve heard of, with a revamped Killstreak/Pointstreak scoring system that rewards cunning as well as killing:

I have not played battlefield 3 yet, and I’ve heard good-great reviews. But like the last battlefield, it’s an awesome campaign with a limited multiplayer audience. After all, everyone’s gonna be on Gears 3 or MW3, right?

Just take a look at these gameplay videos, SAF! Plus an expanded multiplayer and tons of packs likely to drop in the next week, yeah this game is a self-contained ecosystem. It’s like the kindle fire with track pads (BTW, pre-order your Kindle Fire now lest you have to wait til Christmas, mediafiends).

Then sprinkle in all these trailer commercial promos with Jonah Hill (dude lost some weight huh?) and Sam Worthington (he does almost every male actor voice in FPS/Action video games now and he’s making BANK) and you’ve got brahs everywhere weighing taking a hit to their professional careers for XP, and p0wnage bragging rights. Isn’t that why we have friends? To stomp their asses in fantasy football and vid games? n00bs gotta learn:

The Brahpocalypse is upon us. Men are already disappearing at an alarming rate. Cell phones are going unanswered and after-work plans are falling apart. It’s too late to stop it, so you might as well embrace it. Damn you opposable thumbs! Imagine society if we didn’t have to create smartphones and little trinkets to keep us tapping away…

I guess my point is this. MW3 is Epic. Get it. Got it. Good.

If you’ve got a son, nephew, husband or boyfriend and you want some brownie points, buy them the game. Aside from keeping them out of real world trouble, it will almost assuredly force them to buy you “that thing you always wanted” or at the very least, a ticket to a Broadway show (barf):

If you have an xbox and MW3, my gamertag is earloffsandwich


It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Yep, in less than 5 hours, football is back. Hallelujah! Words can’t do justice to the feeling of having the greatest show on turf back on TV, but maybe commercials can. Cue Steven Jackson:

The pomp, the circumstance. The brutal hits. The Endzone! Football is back baby.

Oh you want defense, well here you go, led by Mr. Clay “Beowulf” Matthews. “You see how that offense is trying to fool us!”:

So here’s tonight’s prediction: Saints over Green Bay 31-24. Drew Breezy throws for 400 plus yards and two TDs. Mark Ingram 60 yards and 2 touchdowns (he’s a vulture). Then again, I’m pretty, pretty biased. I would love to see Clay Matthews steam roll someone, just not my starting fantasy QB.

And just for the record, Hayman, football, like bacon, is AWESOME. Fact: both are amazing but terrible for your long-term health. Fact: both are enjoyed primarily on Sunday mornings/early afternoons. Fact: Both are all about the PIGSKIN!

Fantasy Football Kickoff

Fantasy football is a crapshoot. Unlike fantasy baseball and basketball which heavily rely on statistics, their long seasons and expanded sample size of games, fantasy football is just as much about luck, as it is about scouting.  You might have the best team before injuries, you might have the best team during specific match-ups, but all that goes out the window when game day approaches.

That being said, it’s also the original fantasy sport. Since I started playing back in high school (2002-2003) year, very little about the game has changed, yet it seems like everyone and their mother is playing now.

It’s become a billion dollar industry, bringing gambling to your fingertips and clogging webpages, Sportscenter briefs and magazines with “insider” information that people now pay more to read about than the actual payoff of their fantasy league. Just like the talking-head pundits for election cycles and coverage, these morons are almost always wrongfully speculating and do so just to get ratings, not to improve the nation/your team:

You will have just as much luck going with your gut, as you will running advanced metrics.

So why do we do it? Well for my fellow males, it’s all about bragging rights. Nothing like rubbing it in your friend’s face that you’re better at fielding an abstract team based on statistics. It’s like being “king of the castle”, as you pretend to be Robert Kraft and overload your team with superstars (because in this league there are usually only 8-12 teams total). It’s pretty fucking easy this way, and makes me think anyone can run an NFL team. “Mark Cuban aint got nothing on me”.

But the real enjoyment comes not from pwning your fellow friends, colleagues and family members, but from reveling in your victories. During the season, your gmail inbox is brimming with hateful “suck it, bitch” emails, with members either making excuses or gloating for all to see. Fantasy football isn’t about winning. It’s about making everyone else lose. That’s probably why my league, The Onion, only gives out $600 to first place. No consolation bs. Just a dirty limerick from Mr. Michael Stout.

The best thing about Fantasy Football, in my mind, is how involved it gets you with your players, and as a result, their teams. If you follow your players enough, you’ll soon find yourself watching the game of football, instead of just your hometown heros. It’s great, and really gets you into the sport as a whole. My suggestion is, however, that if you take the plunge into Fantasy Football this year, get NFL Redzone on your TV. It is the single greatest invention of sports television there is (can I get a 70 TD montage?).