Hayman’s Hatorade: Adam Dunn

By Ryan Hayman
-Drink it up, bitches. 

I’ve been playing fantasy baseball for neigh on a decade now and every single year, without fail, there is always one player who above all others absolutely shits the bed, doesn’t earn anywhere close to his draft day value and aids in the submarining of the unfortunate team that drafted him.

There have been many players who by all accounts have greatly underpreformed this season, be it through injury, ineptitude or a combination of both. Names such as Carl Crawford, Josh Johnson and Justin Mourneau come to mind. But the player that absolutely, hands-down takes the cake is one Adam Dunn.

I have never witenessed such a precipitous drop off not only from one season to the next but from an entire career to the next season. The “Big Donkey” was the model of consistency, averaging 37HR a year since his first full season in 2002, including hitting at least 40HR every year from 2004-2008. We’re talking unprecedented power consistency here folks, an indispensable fantasy asset. You know exactly what you’re going to get year in and year out. And then 2011 happened. After singing the first big-money contract of his career with the Chicago White Sox, four years and $56 million dollars, Adam Dunn forgot he was Adam Dunn. Mark my words, there will be off-season CT scans and psychological evaluations.

As of August 26th, he currently has 11HR with an OPS of .584. .584! Dunn has averaged an OPS of .902 over his career prior to this season. Let’s take a quick look at some of the other Bill Bergen Memorial All-Stars with a higher OPS than Dunn this year: Omar Vizquel, Orlando Cabrera, Miguel Tejada, Angel Sanchez. Super…Adam Dunn has gone from a 6-ft 6-in, 285lb, beef-eating Texan who fucking HATED baseballs to a light-hitting, past-his-prime, Hispanic middle-infielder. Awesome. I’m psyched he was one of my six keepers this year and that I traded away Clayton Kershaw last year to get him.

Luckily I’m still going to make the playoffs because I kick ass at fantasy baseball. I hung onto that worthless donkey for four months, trying to sell it to any and all passers by with no takers, until finally I couldn’t take it any more and put it out to pasture. Two months later it’s still there, as useless as mud flaps on a helicopter.

It begs the question; what on earth caused this? There have been no major injuries or off-the-field distractions. One can’t help but raise an eyebrow in the direction of professional baseball’s skeleton in the closet, “The Man in White”. Although I suppose that skeleton has been out of the closet for some time now. Does that make the skeleton gay? I’m not sure. Is Adam Dunn gay? Couldn’t tell ya…not that there’d be anything wrong with it if he was. Either way, he’s been doing nothing but sucking. In the words of Wes Mantooth, I hate you, Adam Dunn. I hate you.