The Meek Shall Inherit the Turf?


-By Eleanor Cameron

I’m not a football expert, nor am I a doctor. I know we covered Tebow in our last post, All He Does is Win, but we all knew that “Tebowtime” was fleeting. Thus, I’m going to go ahead and call this one- Tebowmania is dead.

Finally. I mean Even Jesus was getting sick of the act:

Not that it wasn’t entertaining while it lasted. The Tebowing tumblr is pretty hilarious, and gave people an entertaining pose to use for their holiday pictures. Not to mention that it’s probably a lot easier than planking, unless, of course, you decide to Tebow underwater.

Because Jesus loves me. And because underwater, no one can tell how slowly I release the ball.

But entertainment value aside, Tebow has never really been worth talking about as a quarterback. And yet, before the Patriots absolutely destroyed the Broncos for Tebow’s first loss as a starting quarterback, people were actually discussing whether it was crazy to consider Tim Tebow for the MVP.

YES. The answer is yes. If you are thinking that Tim Tebow should be MVP, then I hate to break it to you but you are a CRAZY PERSON. Seriously, stop listening to the voices. I know they’re convincing and all, but they’re not telling you the truth.

Let’s look at the stats for a moment, shall we? Tebow’s completion percentage is 48%, the worst of any quarterback currently in the NFL. His yards/game is 128, also the worst in the NFL. His yards/attempt rank is a little better- 25th out of 34 QBs. He’s thrown half as many interceptions as he has TDs. And before any Denver fans yell at me, I know he runs a lot. Maybe you’ve heard of this guy named Cam Newton. He’s also pretty good at running the football. He also broke Peyton Manning’s single-season rookie passing yards record.

So, really, what was all the Tebow fuss about? In what ESPN has dubbed the “Year of the Quarterback”, and in comparison to superstars like Drew Brees, Tom Brady, and Aaron Rodgers, why did we even care about Tebow?

Is it because he’s a devout Christian? I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out to y’all that Breesus is also of the faith. And instead of just kneeling down and praying after he smashes records, he thanks his teammates, coaches, trainers, and equipment managers. He founded a charity, the Brees Dream Foundation, that provides care and opportunities to children in need, especially in Katrina-ravaged New Orleans. He speaks out against anti-gay bullying. Tim Tebow tackles his mother and pressures us to follow his own personal beliefs.

Okay, so maybe people like Tebow because he’s “handsome”? Um, as a woman and a avid football fan, no. Just no. Sorry, but virgins in pimp suits who don’t think to thank their teammates and can’t pass the ball for shit don’t really do it for me.

Don’t cry, Tim. And please stop wearing those suits.

Besides, doesn’t Tom Brady and his (former) glorious mane, supermodel wife, and series of Uggs ads kind of have that whole attractive man as QB thing locked up already?

In short, Tebowmania drove me crazy. And okay, Denver fans, I get it, you were happy to be winning. But you had to know that it wouldn’t last, right?

This is year of excellent quarterbacks. Cam Newton and Drew Brees have already broken records. Brady and Rodgers are killing it in their respective divisions with their high powered offenses. Hell, even Eli Manning and Tony Romo are having decent years, although only one of them will make it to the playoffs. Matt Ryan and Matthew Stafford are young guys starting to make serious names for themselves.

So please, as a nation, can we just be over Tim Tebow already? Because I’d like to talk about the guys who really are good at this game- and who don’t give all the credit to the man upstairs.

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