Tom Brady’s Deal with the Devil

Apparently Brady took offense to Cam Newton’s record for most yards thrown in his first start at QB and reminded the NFL that HE is top dog in the passing game in last night’s canning of the Tuna. Just when you thought there would be some shakeup in the NFL, the old-guard said “not so fast”.

Newton threw for 422 yards with 2 TDs, 1 INT and a passer rating of 110. It was the single best performance of a rookie QB ever, even coming in a Panthers loss. The guy holding the record previously: Peyton Manning. Haters gone hate, but Cam is the real deal. Get some Panthers swag and root for a “Tim Tebow” that is faster, bigger and can actually throw the ball (Black Jesus?!). That’s racist yo:

But we here at transcend race…and on that note, we’re somehow back to a guy with one of the whitest last names possible: Brady.

For those of you who don’t know the legend of Tom Brady, he was the backup quarterback behind Drew “how-many-fingers-am-I-holding-up” Bledsoe. Brady to the surprise of most, was the 199th pick of the 2000 draft and was picked up as an insurance play. After putting up mediocre to bad numbers at the draft combine, he plummeted on the draft board, and was destined to be an NFL journeyman for the rest of his career.

But then, in 2001, after Bledsoe started bleeding internally on the field, Brady got the start, putting up poor passer rating numbers, but managing to win games.That year, the unknown QB won his first Superbowl for the Pats, earning the reputation as Mr. Clutch. For years Brady was a champion–synonymous with winning and making huge plays when they mattered most. No one however, considered him a top tier QB…

That was until the Pats added offensive weapons at WR, including Welker and Moss. After which point, the debate between Brady and Peyton was over. Brady became THE MAN in the passing game. He set a TD single season record in 2007, and last year was the first unanimous MVP, a result of his 36 to 4 TD to INT ratio and holds the record for most passes without an INT. Peyton who? Oh you mean Kerry Collin’s backup? To be fair, I like the guy, but can’t resist throwing up Peyton Sadface…awwwww:

So yesterday, when Brady posted 517 passing yards, 4 TDs and only one INT (it was a deflection off of a receiver), people started asking, “is Brady getting even better?”. In last night’s game he set the Patriots passing record for most yards (5th most yards in a game in history), and with the help of Welker, tied the longest play from scrimmage in the history of football (99 1/2 yards). It’s just absurd especially considering how good the Miami defense, pass rush and secondary is. The guy must shit diamond incrusted gold.

You NEVER throw the ball when you’re in your own endzone. Let alone throw for a TD! How is this guy still so good? How is he getting better? I couldn’t figure it out until someone said that they think Tom Brady made a deal with the Devil, and suddenly it all made sense. I mean, Cheney’s not too busy these days…

Exhibit A: 3 Superbowl Rings, 5 NFL passing records, unanimous MVP and the clear MVP for this year and likely in perpetuity. Exhibit B: Giselle. nough said. Exhibit C: Women gravitate toward that cleft chin and lion mane like it’s a PinkBerry. He’s Jbeez with a cannon for an arm. The guy is a homo:

Braaaaaaaaaaaaady! Sure people may luck out and be really good at one thing, but having such amazing luck is more than just hard work and tenacity. It’s a deal with the Devil.

I know athletes often thank God for the physical gifts and big time wins, but c’mon, lets give a little credit to Lucifer. After getting shunned by Jebus in the draft, Tom Brady took a trip down south to the crossroads and sold his soul for a golden arm. Satan is his motor. It fuels the awesomeness that is Tom Brady. There’s no other explanation.

Oh well, as Jerry would say, “a friend of a devil is a friend of mine”. Go Pats!


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